Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
