I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Houston, we have a squirter
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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