She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My penis needs a shock collar
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
