is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
