I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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