i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
