I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
