My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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