if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
