I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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