I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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