Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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