You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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