Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
