I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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