So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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