I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
