It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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