you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize