Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
