I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
