In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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