I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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