I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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