the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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