there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
