I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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