The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
