We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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