Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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