i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
