I'm so fucking centered right now
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize