You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize