I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
