Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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