i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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