If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Houston, we have a blender
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
