There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
