His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We need a shit load of segways right now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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