I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
