Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
