Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize