I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize