On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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