I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
