The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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