She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
a search helicopter?!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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