We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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