I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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