also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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