I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
