my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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