sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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