There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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