How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
