If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
