I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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