nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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