Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
