can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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