did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
