my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
