How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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