I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
