Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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