This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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