see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
