I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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