i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
