Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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