Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
