he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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