is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
