i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
