Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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