I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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